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PREMIER LEAGUE MATCH REPORTS - 2007

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Sat 28th July 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 16
Coogee Utd V Phoenix
Heffron Park

Coogee United 1 (Scott Donaldson) Phoenix 0

Coogee lineup:
:: Out – Princess Di (Mr World recount committee commitments), Logan Damo (Big Brother - "the reunion" end of financial year special) and Bono (didn't Dash say he was going to give him a lift?)
:: In - Donaldo

When we last saw our close friends Phoenix in round 1, they were in a dandy of a pickle, on the receiving end of a couple of red cards and a few Coogee United goals. They'd picked up a couple of points since then, and by the looks of it, a new marquee player too, with Bjorn Borg lining up in the green midfield.

50p took us through the warmup and led the pre-match discussions, mostly consisting of his predictions for the Grey's Anatomy season final, and his vision that the Gunners would narrowly avoid relegation in the last week of the premiership.

Let me be the first to say that although Coogee were dominating, the football played in the first half looked like it had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, as Phoenix stuck to the game plan handed to them by their forefathers with long balls over the top in search of wingers that hadn't yet shown up. The Waverly "football purists" Old Boys probably felt a disruption in the force that may well have put them off their wheat bran. Some of the rare first 45 highlights included Gudge belting a cross out of the park from 6 yards out and some Phoenix guy lying down after being touched by Dash (what would you tell your mother if Dash knocked you over?).

An uninspiring 0-0 was the scoreline at halftime, and the chorus in the dressing sheds was that we just needed to stay calm, the goals would come if we kept up the intensity and dominating the middle. Gaffer Ronny went on to give a stirring speech, probably the best seen at the club since Donaldo's watershed Clovelly RSL address, and we rushed back out ready to finish the boys in green off.

There wasn't a great deal of change on the pitch though. Coogee continued to dominate without creating a great number of chances, and on the rare occasions that Phoenix did venture forward, they had to deal with Rhino and Johhnie the Monk well on top of their game, and an extremely cranky Pikey just waiting there on the right side to inflict pain and humiliation. Working out early on that the ref had left the cards in his glovebox, the Pikey clattered Phoenix's left winger and then gave him a solid verbal serve as well, presumably for having the audacity to get up, or stand on the Pikey's side of the pitch or something. I didn't pick it up exactly, as I was having my own trouble trying to cross the cultural divide with Phoenix's right winger, though I think he said "Watch me kick my haircut to Darwin."

General highlights:

:: Nature lovers have reported a Polar Dave sighting during the week at training. Attempts to tag him were unsuccessful, but coaching staff have set up motion sensitive recording devices at known watering holes;

:: ESFA referees decide to 'give something back' to the competition with 34 minutes of 2nd half injury time;

:: The Chief proving that he can speak after being clattered by the Phoenix centre back (who was generally keeping them in it, fair play to him);

:: Grandpa Pikey being given a rest, replaced by the stoic Nialler in an attempt to provide a translator for and cool heated discussions between squads. We all know that there is nothing like throwing a few more Irish at an argument to settle things down nicely;

:: Dash of the Rovers being replaced by the awesome power of Finchey, who once again doesn't disappoint the destruction derby fans in the crowd;

:: Donaldo providing the winner via a 30 yard wonderstrike from the left wing, proving that having a rubbish first touch can sometimes actually be an advantage when the ball sits up nicely at knee height like that;

:: Donaldo's stunning victory slide celebration of the goal on the rock hard Heffron Park surface;

:: Three reserve graders swearing off the drink after bearing witness to such an obvious hallucination;

:: Donaldo being scandalously fined for the quality celebration at the Palace afterwards; and

:: Phoenix actually having the better of the chances in the last 10 minutes as they scrambled for an equaliser, but being held out by the Coogee defence until the ref finally stopped scratching around on the pitch, located his whistle and blew time.

Man of the match: Donaldo, probably for being the only member of the squad who hadn't seen the jug yet.

Team:
Nick the Dish
Jonny Heung
Paul Gudgeon
Ryan O'Grady
Danny Pike
Fraser Watson
Scott Donaldson
Barry Devlin
Nathan Hall
Jim Grantham
Dan Ashley

Subs:
Nialler
Finchey

Sat 21st July 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 15
Glebe V Coogee Utd
Heffron Park

Coogee United 2 (Paul Gudgeon, Jim Grantham) Glebe 1

Coogee lineup:
:: Out - Cat Stevens (I know this guy works at a travel agency, but this is just getting ridiculous)
:: In - Logan Damo

Ah, the keg cup. The keeeeeg cuuuup. Yep. It really begs the question: how could the marketing team down the Palace have realised they were creating the greatest example of sporting dominance since the America's Cup? And why didn't they just cut to the chase and name it the Coogee Cup? And is there any real correlation between Donaldo's 3 week 'holiday' and Coogee's second round run of form? Talk about the jury being out...

Another splendid Saturday at Coogee's asbestos-tastic home ground, and the boys were raring to get into the return leg against the Mercenaries. For the first time in recent memory, Coogee were sporting a strong bench, both 50p and Bono in form and undeserving victims of Gaffer Ronny's 'youth' policy.

The game got underway at a fair pace, both midfields working hard to get the upper hand early. Maybe a little too enthusiastically for some, as about 20 minutes in the Pikey took a long look at the Pure Blondes on the sideline and decided to call it a day. Glarnies may have though they had lucked out with the Pikey hitting the bench, but it was more like a case of out of the frying pan as Gaffer Ronnie let a near rabid 50p of the chain with express permission to make the boys in blue think twice before loitering on the ball.

At right back, Logan Damo wasn't content with merely marking the Blebe dangerman out of the match, and decided to stretch his job description by cutting through the Blarnies midfield at will, curiously heading for the left corner flag with a sense of inevitableness not seen in the Eastern Suburbs since the glory days of Danny 'the homing pigeon' Hale.

Both sides traded early chances without any luck. Dash of the Rovers found himself one on one against the Mercenaries keeper, took it into the 6 yard box and then went the chip, which, judging from the look on the keepers face was the best gift he'd received since the BMX Santa brought him age 6. It was an awfully inopportune time for the varnish from the whitest boots in history to hit Dash's bloodstream, cause such a major brain explosion and single-handedly kill off Dash's carefully built reputation as a cool finisher.

To remain in keeping with Coogee's season so far, it was Blebe that struck first. Unable to break through the Coogee defence, they had to wait for the White Rhino to do it for them, and got onto the end of a mistimed headed backpass to round a desperately charging Nick and go one up. The blue fans were dancing as if all their xmasses had come at once, torn between keeping their eyes on the pitch celebrations or the even greater spectacle of Gaffer Ronny publicly eating his liver on the sideline.

Rhino got back in the saddle and was working hard to make up for his indiscretion, powering through stationary Blebe defence only minutes later to get on the end of a Coogee corner, and hitting it with such force that it actually bounced over the crossbar. It would have been comical if we weren't a goal down and running into the wind 2nd half. Speculation immediately started up amongst the black & white faithful that Coogee's footballing gods had given it away and buggered off down the Palace early. Again.

It was time for the Coogee peanut gallery to step it up a notch to try and get the boys over the line. The usual suspects were firing, with Groundskeeper Willie and Hale doing some of their best work reminding the Blebe number 11 of his many shortcomings, while the rank outsider Glenn stepped up to start baiting the Blebe crowd, only to be told to check the scoreboard. Fair enough, but I'll come back to this later.

Scores remained unchanged until halftime - in the sheds the message from Gaffer Ronny was clear: we had just 45 minutes to get our season back on track, and Glebe had already put the word out that they wouldn't be sharing the keg if they won. That did the trick, with Rhino visibly turning a few shades whiter at the thought of losing a free drink. PB Gudgeon put his hand up and told the Gaffer he only had five minutes of run left in him, which was duly ignored, being two minutes more than even the most optimistic expected out of him in any case.

The boys went out firing. Princess Di had been given licence to get forward, wreak havoc and also see if he could find the G Train hiding behind one of the corner flags, where Gaffer Ronny guessed he had been since kick off. Mission successful - PB Gudgeon and the rediscovered G Train then started switching sides, muddling Blebe's defence, and then bringing the breakthrough Coogee had been desperately seeking. The G Train found himself in space on the left, navigated the ball past the trapdoor and sent in a sweet left footed cross that would have had PB Gudgeon green with envy if he hadn't been on the other end of it. PB's header from the back post was perfectly weighted, leaving the Blebe keeper grasping at thin air and *finally* banishing all talk of a PB nude run down the Gold Coast promenade (although there IS always next season). 1 – 1 and Gaffer Ronny's blood pressure returning to a *somewhat* healthy level.

Back on even terms, and the Chief, 50p and Marcel took the game by the scruff of the neck, dominating the middle of the park and ominously starting to move the ball wide with confidence. The Chief tried his luck from the left, curling it just wide of the back post, and Logan Damo beat everyone again only to be denied at the last by the Blebe keeper. The mercenaries had a couple of cracks at goal too, but couldn't find the target, and in all fairness weren't able to get the upper hand over a Rhino and Johnny the Monk inspired Coogee defence pulled tighter than Matty Anchors' hamstrings.

For those of you who came in late, Marcel has no trouble at all banging 20 odd screamers past Nick the Dish every training session, but come Saturdays has a very morbid tendency to smash the ball into hapless defenders from all angles. So when the ball fell to his feet just inside the edge of the Glebe box, it was a matter of... who's Marcel going to maim today? From where I was standing I think he was trying to brand the tall skinhead mercenary across the chops, who ruined the moment by diving out of the way. Unfortunately for Blebe, Marcel's chip carried on gloriously over the helpless keeper, hit the inside top of the upright, before bouncing across the face of goal and finally nestling in the net.

Cue image of Tony Pengue, shirt off and smiling benignly towards the heavens whilst tweaking his nipple rings. What else can you say? In Marcel's own words - it was a 'peach' and the boys found themselves 2-1 up.

The mercenaries stepped it up to get one back, but Nick the Dish was having one of this best games for the club, with a memorable stop on the line and a bit later putting down his green enviro-friendly shopping bags to show a serious turn of speed, beating the Blarnies 45 year old striker to the ball on the edge of the box.

Up front Dash of the Rovers got a rest in favour of Bono, Coogee's other go-to man for motivational speeches, but there was no time for further heroics as the black and white midfield shut up shop for the remaining minutes.

Without going over the top, when the final whistle did go, it was on one of the most impressive come from behind victories the boys had put together for a while. A few of the lads put their hands up when it mattered, though someone has to tell Gudge that it doesn't count if you do it during halftime the break.

Anyways, as the Blebe crowd started to slink by, the final word went to Glenn who spotted his chance and let rip with a "Oi, what's the score now lads?" 4 – 0 boys, 4 – 0.

Man of the match: White Rhino. And Marcel, Logan Damo, 50p, the G Train and Nick the Dish.

Team:
Nick the Dish
Jonny Heung
Paul Gudgeon
Ryan O'Grady
Danny Pike
Fraser Watson
Luke Di Michial
Damian Tunn
Nathan Hall
Jim Grantham
Dan Ashley

Subs:
Barry Devlin
Brendan Bonner

Sat 14th July 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 14
Coogee Utd V Mascot Kings
Heffron Park

Coogee Utd 5 (Fraser Watson 2, Brendan Bonner, Nathan Hall, Jim Grantham) Mascot Kings 4

After a comfortable 2-0 win at Maccabi, Coogee returned to the home fortress of Heffron Park for a clash with Mascot Queens and their marquee signing and former Coogee keeper Frankie Four Fingers.

Coogee made one change to the Maccabi conquering squad, with 50p making space in the middle for Marcel, and Donaldo sitting out game two of his suspension (fortunately sulking a little less than the weekend before). We all knew there were goals to be had against the Queens, especially with Four Fingers between the sticks, still nursing a sore back from repeatedly picking the ball out of the net during our round 1 clash.

As the game got under way, Coogee threw down the gauntlet with what the club's fastest goal in recent memory - 2 mins in a long throw from the Pikey on the right was misjudged by a Queen defender, Bono got in behind and banged it in at the far post.

The black and whites were buzzing and went 2-0 up before Tony even had a chance to open his second brew. The Chief released a flashy PB Gudgeon down the left, who sent in a low cross which found the G Train in the box, milliseconds before he was cleaned out by Dash of the Rovers' old mate. The big felly took his time on the ball, probably thinking that it was just Dash he was dealing with - but no - the G Train rolled back the years of egg chasing, crawled between the big fellas legs to collect the ball and lashed it home with the left boot from 8 yards. 2-0 and Mr Dominos Pizza was still looking around the park for someone to pass to.

Coogee were in cruise control and running Mascot around in circles, as PB Gudgeon had a shot cleared off the line by the monster munch defender. Never mind Gudge old mate, you'll get one sometime this year. Probably.

Then came lapse number one as the Dominos man burst out of his shorts and through the middle of the park to get on the end of a cross from the left. 2-1. Dash wasn't even on the field to be left for dead.

The G Train wasn't fazed, and continued roaming the right sideline, finally cutting back to Marcel, who controlled nicely with his size 6 boots and belted it past the helpless Four Fingers with the left peg. 3-1 and Franky flopping around on the ground like a trout out of water. The Queens were lucky it wasn't more, when only minutes later the Chief pinched a ball from Franky's fingertips, only to slot it wide of an open goal. Poor result, but that is what you get if you aren't prepared to cut the chat and put down your mobile phone for a minute to take the shot.

Lapse number two then arrived for Coogee - with halftime approaching the ball fell to Rhino as he was still waking up wearing his offensive white Boots, who obligingly played the ball into space for the Queens striker. With all the time and space in the world the little fella put it away to make it 3-2. What was Rhino thinking? Probably something along the lines of "That'll teach Nick the Dish to make fun of my bald patch." In any case, the halftime score line flattered the Queens.

The second half was much the same with Coogee bossing the game. With logic belying their position on the bottom of the table, the Queens seemed to have identified PB Gudgeon as public enemy number one. The Gudge took several kicks from the Queens players and some intelligent sledges from the fans (especially Hale), but you could see he was generally chuffed just to be finally getting some attention of any kind. With one of these aforementioned challenges came a free kick for Coogee. Cat Stevens played it short to PB Gudgeon, whose nose spontaneously started bleeding at the very thought of shooting with his right boot. And what do you know, he opted for the outside of the left - the ball bobbled it's way through to the Chief who duly smashed it home through Four Fingers' short legs... a familiar sight bringing a tear to the eye of many nostalgic coogee faithful. 4-1 and Gudge rushing to Gaffer Ronny claiming an 'assist', whatever that means in football parlance.

Just minutes later, while the big centre half was polishing off his final slice of domino's meat lovers he ordered at h/t, Marcel chipped a speculator into the box and Bono was looking good to finish until he was unceremoniously dumped out of the way by the G Train who knocked it past Franky for his second. Bono looked like he was about to complain, realised he had been belted by the right winger who was discovered by Gaffer Ronny hiding under one of the kit bags pre season, and decided against it.

5-2 and five minutes for Coogee to see out with a 3 goal advantage. Too easy. Jonny the Monk then had a moment of madness, wanting to keep the Coogee average of giving away a penalty every other game, and chopped the Queen's Zidane down. Nick the Dish, with the all too familiar site of someone shooting at him from 12 yards out, was sent the wrong way. 5-3.

4 minutes left. No need to panic.

Unless of course you would be concerned by the free kick sailing into the empty Coogee box, as everyone except the Dish has already gone to the Palace to celebrate the 3 points. It of course found the Queen's Zidane loitering at the edge of the 6 yard box. 5-4.

I think it was at about this point that the fixture ceased to be a football game and turned into a deadset circus. Desperate phone calls from Gaffer Ronny to the entire backline wasn't enough to coax them back from the Palace, and the Queens even had a chance to equalise... but put it high, just before the whistle finally went to kill off the debacle.

In the changing room gaffer Ronny was not a pretty sight as he rightly screamed his team down for almost throwing the game away. It was enough to make you wonder if the club's insurance covers cardiac arrests. At least the scorecard doesn't show pictures.

As we trooped of to the Palace with our ill-deserved 3 points, you couldn't help but feel sorry for the Queens: somewhere in the Eastern Suburbs they would be sitting at a bar with Frankie Four Fingers telling them he had had a great game, had been keeping them in it... and could have played professionally...

Team:
Nick the Dish
Jonny Heung
Paul Gudgeon
Ryan O'Grady
Cat Stevens
Jim Grantham
The Pikey
Luke Di Michial
Nathan Hall
Fraser Watson
Brendan Bonner

Subs:
Barry Devlin
Dan Ashley
Damian Tunn

Sat 30th June 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 12
UNSW V Coogee Utd
David Phillips South

UNSW 2 Coogee United 1 (Damien Tunn)

Students pinch three points, and awarded bonus point for the official worst game in football history.

Coogee lineup:
:: Out - White Rhino ("health" protein shake spruiking commitments), 50p Baz (assisting police with enquiries)
:: In - Cat Stevens

Highlights:
:: Princess Di breaks free from marker, finds himself on the end of a pinpoint cross and heads past the helpless keeper to put the students one up after 5 minutes;

:: Marcel gets league record 7205 touches in one game, and wows crowd with his patented "man running into wind" mime in the 2nd half. Loses man of the match honors for patented "you're a tosser" mime behind Gaffer Ronnie's back during the half time roast;

:: Uni show that hospitality is not dead, allowing Coogee to shoot on their goal all afternoon without any attempt to stop them. Coogee chivalrously repay Uni kindness by spraying shots all over the park and keeping underprivileged neighborhood children in balls;

:: Uni retire PB Gudgeon's number in thanks for his staunch work in aid of their defence, clearing numerous chances to buggery with his trusted left boot;

:: Donaldo given his marchings after the most vicious headbutt to elbow incident since Caven tried to break Lockett's arm in 1995, luckily avoids injury;

:: Fraser "the G Train" finally shown yellow after consistently "not rolling away", which Finchey has been calling him on ever since the Wagga trip; and

:: Logan Damo benched by Gaffer Ronny after knocking a ball from Marcel into the back of the net in flagrant disregard of our game plan to run their keeper to death chasing ball behind the sticks.

:: Man of the match: not Marcel. Might have been Logan Damo actually, as by now the Palace staff are probably primed to hand over the jug on his mere approach.

Sat 23rd June 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 11
Coogee Utd V Waveley Old Boys
Heffron Park

Coogee United 2 (Dan Asheley, Damien Tunney) Waverley Old Boys 2

As any good Argentinean will tell their whinging English mates, history tends to be written by the winner. In the case of a draw though... well, everyone gets a crack. Following this link - www.waverleyoldboys.com/articles.asp?id=71&table=matches - will give you one version of the events that transpired at Heffron Park on Saturday the 23rd June 2007... read on if you would like to hear another...

Starting the 2nd round, Coogee were up against the ESFA's self professed "team to beat", which it appeared plenty of teams had taken them up on given that Waverly had managed to salvage a single point from their previous 4 outings.

The warmup showed the boys were well and truly up for it against the zany Waverly squad, with the memory of the scandalous 2-1 loss in the first round still burning strongly in our memories, and the knowledge that Waverly are always up for a game, being able to concentrate on their "football" without carrying any extra baggage like a sense of humour.

Coogee took control of the game early, taking advantage of Waverly's defensively weak midfield, with Logan Damo and Dash of the Rovers running amuck. Dash was asking all the questions, and as a man who leaves no stone unturned, used his above average knowledge of his team mates to get possession on the edge of the box, jink past the Waverly keeper and slot home for Coogee's first.

1-0 and Coogee pressing on for a second. Well, except for the Pikey, who was just back from a fitness tour of the motherland and bringing new meaning to the expression "He runs like a Welshman". Dead set, five minutes in the big fella set up camp in the centre circle like a mullered 48 year old who had been pulled out of retirement for a Saturday arvo father/son match. At least it forced Waverly to go wide & high when they did go forward.

Anyway, that score took us through to half time, and we trooped into the changing room trying to imagine the hilarious hi-jinks that must have been taking place in the Waverly dressing shed with that bunch of rowdy misfits on the loose.

It is at this interval that I'd like to discuss a couple of points raised in the Waverly match report linked above:

1 "We should have been at least 3-1 at half time but went into the interval 1-0 down".
Well, at least one part of that sentence is correct. Personally, I can't remember Nick the Dish being troubled during the first half, despite the fact that Waverly did find some wide runners in space a few times. I actually had to recommend that Princess Di get her eyes checked when she started marking Johhnie the Monk due to abject boredom at the back.

2 "The Coogee sideline started to get a bit more abusive as the alcohol kicked in. They couldn't see the game too well I think."
We've been asked by the club to pass on our thanks for raising this issue. Our reserve graders will be severely reprimanded if we ever see them at training again, and in the future we will make sure that Coogee plays the beautiful game as it was intended in Australia - in complete silence, except for the stark blasts of the referee's whistle across the windswept Heffron plains, and your own screams of agony as you go down again in the box looking for a penalty. Which happened about three times in the second half. Yes, to spell it out, what I'm tying to say is that I haven't seen diving like that since my trip to the Great Barrier Reef last year.

Anyways, the second half got underway and our good work in the first 45 was quickly binned when Waverly scrapped one through a congested Coogee goal box to pull themselves back to even terms. Dead ordinary, and Nick the Baglady wasn't even given time to finish his half time orange.

Shaken out of our early slumber, Coogee got back into it, getting a few shots in via direct football that would have probably gotten a dressing down if analysed by someone with a half decent knowledge of the game. Luckily, I don't think there was anyone like that present. Waverly were playing good possession "football" (there, I said it), but there was no way through for either team at this point.

Eventually, pressure on the Waverly backline resulted in the deadlock being broken by Logan Damo. The ball fell for him on the edge of the box, but the bounce was awful... with the Waverly boys closing in, it looked hopeless... until Loges threw out the textbook and rose above the pack via a technique known as the "Crane Kick", not seen in these parts since Karate Kid 1. Shows you Logan Damo's age more than anything else.

2-1. Coogee pressed on to kill it off, looking to get home early to see if Gaffer Ronny's attempted shot against Glebe in round 1 had made the finals of Australia's Funniest Home Videos. It should have been 3-1 just minutes later, when a Coogee striker found himself staring into the abyss of an open goal, asked himself the question and then popped it wide. I'd like to tell you who it was, but my silence has been bought and I know better than to ask questions when party to the rarest of modern miracles: a Scottsman opening his wallet in public.

Backs to the wall, those hilarious Waverly guys put down their joke books for a minute and went in search of an equaliser. A wobbly shot on goal struck Rhino on the arm (a bit unlucky for the big fella, as it came onto him slower than Dash of the Rovers heading for the bar to get a round in), and Waverly, eyes as big as saucers, brazenly claimed and put away the resulting penalty. Nick the Dish was looking slightly dirty as he got his second touch of the game by picking the ball out of the back of the net.

Both teams pressed on for the winner, but it wasn't to be. Waverly had a goal disallowed for, well, being blatantly offside, but were otherwise stumped in the go-forward department and started fishing for penalties. Ah, those cheeky Waverly boys and their tomfoolery! At one stage there were so many bodies on the ground I wasn't sure if it was a game of football or Pagewood Council were doing an emergency asbestos-related evacuation drill.

With only a few minutes to go, Donaldo put in a tackle on one of the Waverly hard men, who went down screaming, bringing the game to a quick halt and memories flooding back of the unfortunate broken leg suffered by the Waverly boy a couple of seasons back. Turned out it may have been something of an act as he quickly jumped up to give the ref a blast, copping yellow for his troubles. Makes you wonder what sort of sounds the little fella could come up with if he was genuinely injured, which means I'll be parking the car a few blocks away next time we play WOB to avoid the chance of broken mirrors.

Look to be perfectly honest, that was about it, the sun finally setting on this prestigious match up with it all square at 2 goals a piece. Despite what you may read on their website, the Waverly Silly Nannies were dead lucky to come away with an undeserved point. However, for those of you who missed the game, don't fret - you can always catch the Waverly boys at the Laugh Garage Comedy Club open mic nights (first and third Thursdays of the month).

Sat 2nd June 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 8
Pagewood V Coogee Utd
Jellicoe #2

Pagewood 3 Coogee United 1 (Damien Tunn)

Pagewood undeservedly take the honors care of 2 arsy miskick goals and one half decent one.

Highlights:

:: Rhino turns out in pretty white boots, taking belated honors in the Mr World (metrosexual) subcategory;

:: Logan Damo works hard all game and gets a well deserved goal for his troubles;

:: PB Gudgeon sends teamates postcard with update from left wing.

Sat 26th May 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 7
Coogee Utd V Sydney Uni
Heffron Park

Coogee United 0 Sydney Uni 5

On the back of a three game winning streak, Coogee rocked up to Heffron determined to secure another three points for the kitty. Like ourselves, the students had suffered an average start to the season, probably due to the lingering effects of voluntary student unionism, but would surely be up for it, provided that it didn't cut into their personal grooming time.

Led through a solid warmup by Logan Damo, the squad was looking slightly light on for the first time this year with a few notable absences - Danny the Pikey (rabbit trapping expo), SuperSteve (cosmetic tourism in Thailand), Polar Dave (placed on endangered list) and Finchey (strained ponytail) all unavailable. No worries though - Nick the Dish and Marcel Marceau slotted straight into the linuep, and off we went.

Donaldo won the toss (again?) and decided to defend, which was a pretty fair call given that we got off one of our slower starts of the year. Still, the students weren't making any chances, and soon enough, PB Gudgeon and the Chief were combining well on the left to put the Uni defence under pressure.

Decent chances were few and far between for both squads. Bono found himself in space, but couldn't beat Nathan Hindmarsh to find the back of the net. At the other end, Nick the Dish made a couple of average saves by his standards, but generally wasn't doing much except working on his impressive tan.

Midway though the first half, Coogee suffered a blow with the Chief unable to go on due to strained vocal cords. Gaffer Ronny had identified a lack of depth in the Coogee midfield earlier in the week, but had resisted the temptation to recall Beckham, knowing exactly how embarrassing that would be for his pommy brethren should such a thing ever happen. Instead, on flew 50p Baz, who made his impact felt right from the first minute, with seagulls scattering from Heffron park to avoid the bullhorn voice and the risk of being picked off by a wayward 'shot' on goals.

As an interlude – some things you probably didn't know about the Sydney Uni squad"

· their veins are filled with puss rather than blood;

· none of them appeared to be hung over, which is disgusting frankly, and goes against everything Australia's fine tertiary education system stands for; and

· I doubt that any of them can read, hence my ability to write such things without fear of recrimination.

Finally, the 'Rope a Dope' strategy employed by Coogee in the first half appeared to be paying dividends, with the students running out of steam after all the possession they'd had to deal with. Coogee took the opportunity to move the ball around, but the chances just weren't coming. Against the run of play, ironic though that is, the students made a play up the right, beat Donaldo (who ensured he wasn't going to be beaten for pace in a race to the ball by just diving in), and curled the ball past Nick the Dish to go one up. Probably a fair result considering their wealth of possession, but at some stage the students have to learn that life isn't necessarily meant to be fair.

Gaffer Ronnie's usual halftime threats to drag anyone not up to speed lacked their usual bite given that he would have had to replace about 10 guys, and the bench was currently populated by the evergreen Gaffer Ronnie himself, a cardboard cut-out of Colm, a can of Campbell's chicken soup, and Rhino's grandmother (ESFA registration pending).

I doubt anyone really wants to hear too much about the second half, except for Dash of the Rovers with his S&M tendencies. The students were making good yards out of dummy half, and although running a high risk of putting the huge crowd to sleep with such dreary tactics, were able to work their way out of their half and get away a good kick for position on the 5th every time. This left Coogee defending grimly on its own try line for lengthy periods, and as the tackle count mounted, so did the gaps out wide…

Second half details of note:

· Johnnie the Monk turning his ankle in an advanced yoga position and having to go off;

· the Chief's vocal support from the sideline;

· Coogee sharing the touches around nicely (ie: one each per half); and

· PB Gudgeon learning that the position 'wing back' actually involves some kind of, well, defending, despite what the reasonable man might otherwise be led to believe.

Second half details never to be mentioned again:

· Gaffer Ronny's inspired decision to replace Johnnie the Monk with himself to 'shore up the backline', despite having 90 minutes in reserves under his belt; and

· The four lucky goals that the students may or may not have scored, it was pretty hard for me to tell from where I was standing, a lot of people were yelling stuff you know.

Man of the match: In light of the circumstances, the linesman's mullet was probably best in show.

Team:
Nick the Dish
Jonny Heung
Paul Gudgeon
Ryan O'Grady
Scott Donaldson
Jim Grantham
Luke Di Michial
Damian Tunn
Nathan Hall
Brendan Bonner
Dan Ashley

Subs:
Barry Devlin
Jake Peacock

- Report by Tony Pengue

Sat 19th May 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 6
Phoenix V Coogee Utd
Paine Reserve

Coogee United 4 (Brendan Bonner (2), Nathan Hall, Damien Tunn) – Phoenix 1

It all began as a mistake.

I learned from the drunk up the hill, who did the trick every pre-season, that Coogee would hire damned near anybody, and so I went and the next thing I new I had the black and white stripes on my back and was warming up to play the all singing, all dancing Phoenix.

A few changes to the Mercenary-conquering Coogee squad were necessary with Danny the Pikey (caravan swap meet in Holland), Marcel Marceau and Nick the Dish out (romantic weekend getaway in the blue mountains to celebrate their one year anniversary) and SuperSteve getting a rest care of a kryptonite laced Glebe boot the week before. In came Gudge on the left of a new look backline with Princess Di back from the dead, Johnie the Monk (on loan from the Dalai Lama's entourage), Scotty, and Rhino on the right. 50p Baz made his way into the midfield to take over from the Pikey, and Mikey slotted in between the sticks, looking fresh for a man who just rolled home from two weeks of Mad Monday boozing with the Waratahs.

With Scotty winning his first toss since Barry Ryan was a first grader, Coogee took control early, spreading Phoenix thin on the wide Paine Reserve pitch. Early chances weren't capitalized on, and Phoenix had an early crack too, with Mikey forced to put down the Berocca for a minute and earn his keep.

The traffic was mostly one way though, and soon enough Coogee broke through via Hally, who unloaded from the edge of the box on a hapless Phoenix defender who wasn't doing anyone any harm at all really. The resulting deflection send the Phoenix keeper the wrong way, and Coogee were off.

Hally was unlucky not to have a second a minute later when he released another rocket from the left of the box, only to be denied by the green keeper who was still falling to his right in his attempt to stop Hally's previous goal.

An early goal down and getting desperate, Phoenix resorted to the expected underhand tactics, trying to exploit Coogee's well documented weakness against 9 players. The boys in green were lining up to politely ask the ref if they could check the game from the comfort of the sideline, with immediate success in two instances. They were unlucky not to be three down after number 11 booted the ball into the ref and was shown red... but managed to convince the man in black that he was passing it back for the impending free kick, to have the red withdrawn. If that is possible. Or maybe the ref just decided the red card needed a bit of a rest, given that it was looking thinner than Paris Hilton's credit card after all its recent use.

Rhino was finding more space on the right than some of his brethren on the plains of Africa, and like any good back, had absolutely no idea what to do with it. When a half decent ball finally did arrive from the wing Bono wasn't going to miss his opportunity, and made it look easy as he struck home from right in front for Coogee's second.

Despite Phoenix's Machiavellian plot and the odds stacked against them, Coogee bravely pressed on for a roadie before half time. As a whole, Bono and Dash of the Rovers were proving to be more than Phoenix could handle. With almost rude distain for his marker, Bono picked up the ball from the midfield, held it... held it... held it... and put through a sterling (rather than nice) touch to release Hally in space. Normally you would put your house on Hally one on one against the keeper. In this instance, he lined it up, put it on the trusty left boot... and gave everyone present a moving re-enactment of Harmlesson's Ashes opener to Flintoff in second slip. It was so wide the ref immediately blew the whistle to give him 10 minutes to think about what he had just done.

Johhnie the Monk led the half time meditation session, and having paid a visit to Gaffer Ronny’s house o' formations, we went back out determined to put the game beyond Phoenix's reach. There was plenty of movement up front, and it wasn't long before Dash of the Rovers found some space on the right and put in a nice cross to Bono on the far post. With the Phoenix markers over on the sideline circled around a stick insect one of them had found, Bono used his natural height advantage to get up and head in for his second. 3-0 for Coogee.

Gaffer Ronny knew then what he had to do, and dragged the pr&#k before he could get a hat-trick. On came Finchy looking to work hard for his new sponsor, Pantene. Also, it must have been feeding time at the zoo, as Rhino was taken off to be given his saltlick or whatever, and Polar Dave ambled on to the pitch to check out the action.

Polar Dave made it a very polar appearance even by his standards. In 10 minutes he managed a bear hug with the Phoenix number 35, the subsequent yellow card, and a cracker of a disallowed goal. From where I was standing, Finchey's ball took a deflection off a Phoenix player and rolled backwards into the path of Polar Dave on the right side who had started his run some 20 meters back - I couldn't quite see an offside there, but hey, it is a pretty complicated rule. Anyways, that was enough for Polar, who, citing a saw paw, trotted back over the sideline in search of fish, as SuperSteve hobbled onto the right wing, making a good case for further R&D investment in shinguard technology.

Phoenix weren't really threatening the Coogee goal, with 50p Baz winning a lot of ball in the air (as evinced by the patchwork design on his nut after the game). However, they did eventually manage to bugger Mikey's clean sheet with a scrappy goalmouth kickfest resulting in a handball on the line. The ref awarded a penalty, but then realising that he had to do something different to last week's game to stop the crowd realising the whole thing was a put-on, changed his mind and just gave a goal instead.

Coogee's response was quick enough. Not trusting his radar from the field of play after last week's behind-fest, Tunny decided to start running the ball around in circles on the edge of box, waiting for Phoenix to chop him down. It was slow going, but after beating everyone twice, one of the Phoenix boys finally got the hint and dived in to stop the debacle. Tunny dusted himself off and put away his second penalty for the year, drawing sideline comparisons to van Nistelrooy for his reliable finishing, provided he isn't more than 4 meters from goal. 4-1 for Coogee and Danny Hale rushing home to grab his Keith Urban CDs in hope that he could lead the inevitable boot-scooting celebrations on the sideline.

The rest of the game hardly bears mention. Like peach faced lovebirds going out in memory of a deceased partner, the remaining members of the Phoenix midfield kept flying in late in search of the elusive third red card, to no avail. Gudge, Coogee's self proclaimed marquee player, was doing his job on the left with all the skill and speed expected of a Luton Town man, Dash had a couple of dozen goals disallowed, and finally the linesman got tired of lifting his arm up and down all the time and decided to just leave the flag up, hampering any chance of Coogee adding to the scoreline.

So 4-1 it was, securing Coogee's third win on the trot, and surely assisting with our attempts to woo a decent marquee player in the near future. Everyone trotted back to the Palace to fortify themselves for what was sure to be a memorable, goal rich FA Cup Final...

Team:
Mike Nixon
Jonny Heung
Paul Gudgeon
Ryan O'Grady
Scott Donaldson
Barry Devlin
Luke Di Michial
Damian Tunn
Nathan Hall
Brendan Bonner
Dan Ashley

Subs:
Dave Evans
Steve Hammer
Ian Finch

Reserve Grade
Coogee United 2 (Dave Hayes, Borja Lojendio Lopez-Asiaín) V Phoenix 1

It was a bright and warm afternoon when Coogees P/L reserves rocked up to the newly improved Paine reserve pitch, spirits high after a great win over Glebe the week before and some of the boys already plotting where they would be on the ladder after pocketing the 3 points today from bottom of the table Phoenix.

We were going to line up in an attacking 4-4-2 formation, hit Phoenix early, score and put them to bed, and then see what improvements we could make to our goal difference before cheering on the 1's to victory against their now customary 9-man opposition.

Of course that all turned out be a load of old codswallop. We've never had a great record against Phoenix, and the warning sign was there in the fact that although bottom, Phoenix had won their last game, and as they rely on the Irish backpacker connection, of all the clubs in the league their teams strength can oscillate wildly from week to week depending on whether any convict ships have weighed anchor in the harbour recently.

15 minutes into the game, Big Andy was recalled from the front line and his job description had changed from "hang out up front with Dave and head a few goals from all the balls our wingers will be crossing in" to "Jiminy Jillickers, hold the midfield Andy and give us a hand to try and stop the green tide !!" Our own Spanish magician Borhaj was merrily performing his whirling dervish dance moves when he could, but apart from Borhaj the rest of the team seemed to have a lack of lustre, at one stage one of our esteemed central defensive pairing partnership (we'll grant him the fig leaf of anonymity) even passed the ball across the box straight to an unmarked centre forward !!! Fortunately the guy only had the pace of a Gudgeon and he shot harmlessly wide from 18 yards rather than bear down on Mikey in nets.

Then all of a sudden, against the run of play almost, a ball broke behind their centre back and with Davey Hayes bearing down on him this buffoon toe-poked a ball majestically past his own keeper from 20 yards out. Dave Hayes outlandish attempt to claim the goal for himself really deserves a significant contribution to the Coogee Sin Bin fund...

1-0 at half time, but scarcely deserved, and player-coach Jason got out the hairdryer at half time and applied liberally to the team. Bad attitude at the start = bad performance starting the game. The pre match warm ups could be used to determine the starting team in the future, as its those guys who are not switched and intense in the warm up who don't start well.

However not long into the second half, a bit of a stumble from the other centre-half who will remain nameless too (though in fairness Francis you did have a good game considering your previous nights shenanigans !!) allowed one of their forwards to cross in a ball which bounced up off the turf and hit the unfortunate Dan Hale on the arm at the edge of the box, and an angry gnomish man stepped up and hammered the free kick into the bottom corner. 1-1.

At this point we played our season long Ace up our sleeve, our very strong bench. Dan Farrell came on and made an instant attacking threat against the guys who had been tired out marking Dan Hale all game. And then before a raft of other changes came on in fairness the guys on the pitch lifted and a fantastic move finished with Davey crossing into the box for Borhaj to finish with a magnificent right footed side volley. 2-1.

Finchey came on then to give Borhaj a well earned rest, and Baz Ryan and Glen came on likewise in the backs for Stuey and Broque. The game now became more open as Phoenix pressed for an equaliser but that left them exposed to the pace of Dan Farrell, Fraser and the predatory instincts of Dave. And in fairness during this last 20 we should have put them away as we made several clear cut chances and their pressure never led to anything more than half-scares, such as the time an unseasonal giant dragonfly flew right into Baz Ryans eye leaving him temporarily blinded and allowing a little rotund chappie to slot the ball through the incapacitated Baz's legs on the edge of the box (though Baz in fairness quickly recovered and used his lightning pace to get back around and block the wee fellow off).

So a win, a good 3 points in a tight match where we had to graft for the points, and NOW we can look at the table. The Phoenix team we played will take points off the others, so we have to be happy... but we all need to learn the lesson re complacency and start way more focused against Sydney Uni next week.

- Report by Barry Ryan

Sat 12th May 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 5
Coogee Utd V Glebe Wanderers

Heffron Park
Coogee United 4 (Dan Ashley (2) Brendan Bonner, Dave Evans) V Glebe Wanderers 2

With Coogee desperate to add to their points tally and a new look Glebestonworth Mercenaries outfit assumedly fairly keen to wrestle the Keg Cup from the Coogee stranglehold for the first time ever, this match was always going to be a fun-filled encounter.

Pre-match, confusion reigned as to who we were actually up against here - a combination of last year's Barnies outfit (generally fairly skilled and dogged) and Glebe's team (tall and... um... well, just pretty tall really). Not a lot to go on, but we brushed up on our Peter Crouch material just in case and got on with the warm up.

TAB were offering $9 for anyone willing to take a gamble that Blarnies will ever win the Keg Cup while there is still space for them to squeeze their name on there somewhere. Double that up with the odds on Craig Foster personally calling Benitez to demand "our Harry" get a start in the Champions League final and with a bit of luck you could have the cash for some quality Coogee waterfront acreage overlooking the "surf". In any case, most punters were probably waiting to see how Jonnie the Monk was looking in warmup before heading down to put money on, which was a sight sharper than the old days before he found religion.

Cue the kickoff. Both teams clearly out to make an impact early and there was plenty of yellow being flashed from the first minute onwards. Keeping in mind Gaffer "Ronny Rosenthal" Peacock's demands to keep a close eye on the Glebestoneworth number 5, Scotty did as he was told, and 5 minutes in, closely watched his opposing number run on to a loose ball on the edge of the box and duly bury it in the Coogee goal. The TAB phones must have been running off the hook.

On the back of that start, Coogee really needed to step up. The boys in the middle knuckled down and shut down the Barnstebe attempts to work the ball though the middle. The end result – a nice ball though to Dash in space, who calmly chipped the keeper and had enough juice left to run over to the Gleworth bench to check they hadn't missed it. 1-1 and the Mercenaries down to 10 men for backchat to boot. As an aside, for the information of that guy on the Glarnies bench who blew a kiss back to Dash, his number is 0418 700 433 should you want to catch up for a coffee or something.

While the boys in blue stopped their run forward, they certainly didn't stop flying in to try and win back some ball as Coogee turned the screws. The yellow kept flying, and soon enough the inevitable happened – Coogee found themselves playing against 9. Gleenies were clearly in deep shock, or trying to save face by way of a very cunning gameplan to forfeit via a dozen odd red cards.

The ensuing free kick from Halley took a nasty deflection of a blue defender which the Barnie Wanderer keeper only just managed to keep out. Dash, in a nice emulation of his childhood hero Roy of the Rovers, followed though to bustle it over the line for his second and give Coogee a 2-1 halftime lead.

Gaffer Ronny met us in the sheds where he had been hiding since his effort from 1 meter out in the reserves game, and called for composure, tightened defence and an early goal to put the game to bed. Clearly he needs to work on expressing such complicated concepts in layman's terms from here on in, as the message didn't seem to get through -judging from our concerted early second half efforts to let Glarnies back into the game. I for one advocate the use of singing his halftime talk to the tunes of Oasis' greatest hits, which may at least get the attention of the pommies in the squad.

Glebeworth turned out for the second half, obviously having benefited from a few minutes to pull themselves together over the break. Coogee pressed early to kill the game off, but the Barlebe boys held on desperately before being handed a lifeline by the ref who must have sat up all night writing the script for this one. On his way to a world record 77 straight winners in the air, the ref somehow managed to ping Danney the Pikey for a contested header on the edge of the box. Nick was having a screamer between the sticks, but there was nothing he could do as Glebestoneworth banged in a well taken penalty to bring themselves even. Sometimes you just have to laugh. A quick look over to the sideline to Gaffer Ronny assaulting the corner flag and already openly asking the entire reserves squad if they were available to play at 3pm next week showed that this wasn't one of those times. Fair play to the Mercenaries though, who showed they weren't going to give up a free keg without some sort of fight.

Resisting the at times almost overpowering temptation to wander off and join the Club President and Gannon on the sideline to sink some "fresh p%ss", we pressed on, but Gleerth threw more players behind the ball and were clearly desperate to take something away from the game. At least there were plenty of fresh legs on the bench, and as soon as SuperSteve fell back to earth from a tackle copped in the first half he got a rest in favour of Gudge, who promptly, and literally, disappeared into the hole near the left corner of the goalbox. Jim "Marcel Marso" Grantham and Polar Dave were also sent on in search of the goal, giving Halley and Dash a well deserved chance to dig though the refuse on the sideline like a pair of ibises to try and locate beers that the reserves might have overlooked.

As valuable time ebbed away, Glebestone's keeper was getting plenty of cardio work collecting the ball from behind the net as the Coogee shots kept flying in, with accuracy in front of the stick that would have made even the Swans blush. However, the Barbiedolls couldn't hold out forever, and after what seemed like hours, the goal finally came from "Hollywood" Bono, who, after waiting pretty much all day for someone to give him some decent ball, got on the end of some nice build up play to flick home a header and put Coogee back in front.

Coogee pressed on to put the keg beyond doubt, and with the Blebe keeper distracted by some interpretive mime from Marcel Marso in the middle of the park, Polar Dave nipped in to pinch the ball and slot it home from a tight angle, securing Coogee's fourth goal, the keg and the points.

Having developed a minor RSI from pulling the old yellow and red from his pocket at regular 5 minute intervals, the ref decided to call it a day and blew the whistle just as Tunney was lining up his 450th shot on goal ("this one was going in for sure boys!"). The final washup – 4 to 2 for Coogee and a 4 goal aggregate Keg Cup win for the boys in black and white. For everything else, there’s Visa.

Sat 5th May 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 4
Mascot Kings V Coogee Utd

Booralee Park
Coogee United 3 (Damiien Tunn, Nathan Hall, Scott Donaldson) v Mascot Kings 0

Having had enough of the "path less travelled" to the finals, all the pre-match talk was about securing three points at all costs, and trying to work out whether the name "Kings" was a reference to footballing preeminence, or merely generations of inbreeding.

Coogee took control right from the whistle as Danny the Pikey immediately went about his usual process of making new friends and trying to drum up business for the Spot Pharmacy (20% off all first aid supplies if you can prove that you've had a run in with the Pikey). Out wide, Steve got straight down to causing Mascot headaches on the left, resulting in the apparent tactical decision from the Mascot boys to ignore him and hope that the problem would just go away.

Those in the crowd who ever wondered what Rhino will look like in 20 years didn't have to look any further than Mascot's sweeper, who despite being a contender for next year's Biggest Loser series still managed to skin Dash with a level of indifference that must surely have cost Dash a couple of hours of sleep Saturday night.

That said, Dash and Bono were looking pretty sharp up front, and a few quick combinations and solid pressure on a Mascot backline seemingly content to camp on the edge of its goal box resulted in a few good chances with both boys unlucky to find the back of the net.

Early pressure was soon converted into something more tangible when one of the Mascot boys decided he wasn't going to die wondering what would happen if he didn't chop down Bono (who only had 6 to beat before being clear to take a shot at goal) in the corner of the box. Damo "I'm just glad to be out of the house" Tunn stepped up to the spot to calmly slot home the opener, with his pretty blue boots gleaming in the afternoon sun.

At the other end of the pitch, Johnny may have looked like a buddhist monk with his new haircut, but he certainly wasn't playing like one, going in hard for everything and forcing Lukey "Princess Di" to play a bit wider than usual to avoid personal injury. Nick was totally dominating in the box, being first to everything and generally making Baz look the best he has since his shock Mr World coup.

The boys on the sideline were just starting to find their voices (and by the sounds of it, their second or third crisp, refreshing and low carb Hahn Super Dry, which they could enjoy without fear of any adverse impact upon their waistlines) when the half time whistle blew, sending Coogee to the dressing sheds 1-0 up.

Despite running up what can only be described as a two goal "slope" in the second half, Coogee came out firing and continued to pile on the pressure. About 10 minutes in, Steve started another sideline raid that culminated in Halley finding himself in space at the edge of the box. As usual with Halley, time appeared to slow down to a trickle as he slotted it home with his left to give Coogee a two goal lead.

Only minutes later, Dash followed up on his motivational email during the week, dragging in three men on the edge of the box before laying off a perfectly weighted ball which the flying Scotsman duly smashed into the back of the net. Three nil for Coogee, and shocked spectators murmuring amongst themselves after witnessing the Scotsman run 70 meters to finish that goal, although it may have been more. Comparisons have since been drawn to Carlos Alberto's 1970 world cup wonderstrike, but that is neither here nor there really.

Gaffer Peacock decided it was time for some fresh legs and unleashed Finchy, Dave and Jim on the hapless Mascot defence, and Gudge holding the midfield in his 23rd position of the season. Finchy had an unusually slow start, taking a full 12 seconds to ease himself into terminal velocity and another 18 seconds to have the entire Kings entourage baying for his head on a stick.

Mascot finally got a decent chance with 20 minutes to go when Baz generously gave their striker a mild tap on the edge of the box, who consequently took off at about the same trajectory and volume as some of the 747's at the airport next door. Nick was forced to make a great stop from the spot to protect his clean sheet and ensure a well deserved tap on the shoulder for man of the match honours.

There was still time for one more tactical play from Mascot, and not content with being 3-0 down, they brought on former Coogee superstar Frank "Don’t tell me the rules ref" Tsolakis between the sticks. Franky immediately paid for his transfer fee, picking up a back pass to give Coogee a free kick in the six yard box. Unfortunately, the 1.5 meters to the back of the net was a little bit outside Gudge's radar, which has been a touch out since almost driving his car over the main traffic island in the Clovelly carpark on Thursday night.

So 3-0 was the final score, our first game of the season without Rhino, and our first three pointer. The last word goes to the obviously well travelled Kings midfielder who suggested we take our surfboards and bugger off back to the Coogee "surf". Despite early fears, the Palace beer still tasted ok after such a vicious verbal dressing down...

Goal scorers:
Damian Tunn (30)
Nathan Hall (55)
Scott Donaldson (60)

Reserve Grade: Mascot 2 Coogee United 0
Coogee came away from this game bitterly disappointed and scratching their head as to how they failed to score in a game that saw them thoroughly dominate possession but fail to convert that possession into goals.

The first half was characterised by an endless stream of attacks down the flanks with the final ball failing to find the net. One of Mascot's few attacking chances in the first half came when the referee awarded a free kick to Mascot on the edge of the Coogee penalty area for what appeared to be a perfectly executed sliding tackle from the Coogee midfielder. Mascot struck the free kick directly at the Coogee wall only for the ball to break to an unmarked Mascot player who slammed the ball into the net to give Mascot a 1-0 half time lead.

Coogee remained calm and continued to attack down the flanks in the second half. Mascot were reduced to 10 men early in the second half after committing a number of cynical fouls in an attempt to curtail Coogee's attacking ventures. Despite the numerical advantage and over 80% possession Coogee conspired to concede a second goal after the referee awarded a penalty to Mascot for an infringement in the area. Mascot converted to go 2-0 up and then pulled 10 men behind the ball in an attempt to hold on to their winning margin.

Mascot held out and the game finished 2-0 to Mascot. Coogee clearly have some work to do on finishing teams off.

Sat 21st April 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 3
Coogee Utd V UNSW

Heffron Park
Coogee United 1 (Dan Ashley) vs. UNSW 4

As we approached match day three of the season, it was a perfect day for Coogee to turn the corner after two defeats and a particularly unlucky result at Waverley last week. There was an air of optimism around the squad. As the sun beamed down over the freshly mown Heffron ground and state of the art changing rooms, Coogee looked a determined bunch during the warm up.

Peacock called his men in after having been involved in a confidence-building gutsy win for the reserves just minutes earlier. Two from two was what Coogee needed today. It was time for him to motivate the first grade lads, and as he announced the team it became clear Coogee were thin on the ground with injuries and suspensions ripping through the team. Out of the squad went the limited but plucky left wing-back Gudgeon (groin) (rumored to be caused by his daring cartwheel during last week's Mr World competition), Donaldson (suspended... again) and Di Michiel (International duty).

In came Stevey Hammer at left back, Jim Grantham getting his first start of the new season at centre midfield and the other change, Dan Ashley getting the nod upfront ahead of an unlucky Ian Finch. It didn't take too long until Ashley repaid the gaffer. With the 20 minute mark approaching, a perfect ball was played through from Tunney inside the left channel, Ashley got in behind his defender, bravely ran through his afro, took one lovely touch and finished beautifully with the outside of his right boot. The joy on his face showed what it meant to him.

Coogee then controlled the game for the next 15 mins, some fantastic passing and composed football being watched by the Coogee faithful, who by this point must have been thinking... how many? As the ball was stroked around, the confidence brimming in the team was there to be seen by all, with Devlin unleashing a 40 yard shot, which I'm pleased to report landed safely at Auckland airport on Saturday evening.

Thirty minutes gone, still 1-0 to the black & whites. In came a nothing ball played to the UNSW number eleven on the half way line, closely monitored by O'Grady. Number eleven turned him and pushed the ball into space... from the sideline it was more like watching a motor car than a sprinting race and it could only be classed as Porche (no11) vs. Robin Reliant (O'Grady) and with Coogee hopelessly exposed, in came the cross to an unmarked man which Nixon could do nothing about. 1-1.

Coogee looked shell-shocked and during the next ten minutes, UNSW took full advantage, winning a penalty from what looked like a harsh and hesitant decision by the referee, adjudged against stand in centre half Pyke for tripping his opponent. Nixon looked big and agile but was sent the wrong way. 2-1 to UNSW.

Coogee pushed for an equaliser before the half time break, but were again caught on the break. In came a poor cross, taking a wicked deflection off Pyke's head and looping over the helpless Nixon. Half time 3-1. Unbelievable.

Coogee emerged from an animated changing room and came out in the 2nd half chasing the game, with UNSW just happy to sit back and defend. Coogee pressed and pressed but the cutting edge just wasn't there, and there was little action to report, until suddenly Coogee found themselves 4-1 down. A high ball over the top, O'Grady giving number eleven some space, once again he motored past O'Grady in a game he will look to forget. Too much bulk and not enough speed, so the sideline talk was going... eleven raced clear and shot past the advancing Nixon. As the game fizzled out Jim tried his luck from 25 yards, skimming the top of the woodwork. Peacock threw on Evans and Hale, however it was too late for them to stamp anything on this game. Evans huffed and puffed making some nice runs and confirmed he would make a decent keeper when it came to punching.

As the game wore on to the 90-minute mark, all two of the UNSW's passionate mob were going wild behind the rope. The manager and Scottish Uncle Albert look-a-likey were drunk with joy at Uni's finest hour, and started getting heated towards the Coogee faithful.

With some classy players to come back into the team the only way from here can surely be up for Coogee. 3 games, 3 defeats and you feel they need that scrappy one nil win and a bit of luck to kick start the season.

Team:
Mike Nixon
Jonny Heung
Steve Hammer
Ryan O'Grady
Danny Pyke
Barry Devlin
Jim Grantham
Damian Tunney
Nathan Hall
Brendan Bonner
Dan Ashley

Subs:
Dave Evans
Daniel Hale
Ian Finch

Crowd: 21
Away fans: 2

Reserve Grade: Coogee United 3 (Fraser Watson, Glen Catanzer, Danny Hale) vs. University NSWales 1
Coogee left it late to ensure the 3 points were theirs after a dominant first half display saw Coogee take a well deserved 1-0 lead via a coolly taken finish from Fraser Watson. Coogee created numerous other chances in the first half but failed to convert.

It looked as if Coogee might pay the price for not capitalising on their first half dominance when Uni scored an equaliser in the second half after the ball broke kindly for the Uni striker. With 20 mins remaining Coogee were looking tired and flat and not all that likely to score a second.

After some extensive substitutions breathed new life in the tiring Coogee outfit they were able to again press the opposition back into their own half, a few goal mouth incidents saw Coogee come close when finally Glen Cantazar lifted the ball over the Uni keeper and into the roof of the net.

With Coogee 2-1 ahead Uni were forced to press forward which left them vulnerable to counter attacks. Coogee sealed the victory with a 3rd goal from Daniel Hale cutting in from the left and firing low to the keepers left.

The victory was secured although the scoreline flattered Coogee after a good battling performance from Uni pushed Coogee all the way.

Sat 14th April 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 2
Waverley Old Boys V Coogee Utd
ES Marks

Reserve Grade Report:
Waverley Old Boys 2 Coogee United 3 (Dave Hayes, Donnie Lanesbury, Beau Paine)

Coogee United made hard work of this one after a solid 1st half performance saw Coogee take a deserved 2-0 half time lead. The first goal came via a well taken chance by Dave Hayes and the second from an opportunist set piece conversion by Donnie Lanesbury. Coogee really should have put the game beyond the reach of Waverley within the first half but failed to convert numerous other chances.

At half time the talk was of the importance of maintaining a clean sheet and finishing the game off. Somehow that didn't happen and a quick counter attack from Waverley resulted in a goal against the run of play and meant that Waverley were right back in the match.

Coogee tried to settle and reassert their dominance but the referee awarded a dubious penalty which Waverley graciously accepted and converted. Suddenly the score line was back to level pegging and Coogee had it all to do again.

Coogee composed themselves and went in search of another goal, their third came from a close range finish from Beau Paine. Coogee continued to press forward for the remainder of the game and looked more likely to add a fourth goal than to concede a third.

Overall a solid performance with 15 minutes of madness that nearly cost the 3 points. Now that we know the games are 90 minutes we should be fine for next week.

Sat 31st March 2007
ESSFA Premier League Round 1
Coogee Utd V Dunbar Rovers

The day that everyone in Coogee Utd had been waiting for had finally arrived after a very strenuous and hard grafting pre-season... the lads were pumped and could not wait to show off their new shiny boots and to take on the mighty Bumbar, the 2005-2006 winners of the "We think we are the best team in the World" Award. The sun was out, the usual hurricane wind over Heffron Park was blowing and the referee and his little chimps had set up camp at the half way line.

The team talk from Gaffer Peacock was one that could only suggest that we were going try and take the bull by the horns and try and exert pressure on Bumbar with the 4-3-3 formation...

Straight from the off, the tempo was high and the pace of the game was extremely fast. Both teams found it difficult to have composure on the ball and far too much possession was being lost from long balls and rushed passes. Neither team was taking control of the play with Danny Pike, Hally and Scotty having to really earn their money and were forced to chase down everything.

There were no really clear cut chances until there were two lapses in play that led to sloppy goals for Bumbar. They certainly weren't the best team on the field but luck had gone their way and had finished both gifts.

It certainly wasn't roll over and die time for Coogee Utd and with the Gudge and Hung starting to create a bit more space and width, and working well with the midfield a few half chances came from long balls.

Then before the closing minutes of the first half, a 50:50 ball with the keeper jumping out of the way of the oncoming Finch looked like it was 2-1 but somehow found the corner post a much easier target than the expanse of goal in front of him. Finally the Bumbar fans who had travelled far for this encounter had something to cheer... as their team certainly wasn't giving them any sort of entertainment.

Into the changing rooms at half time and it was clear that this was a team talk that could possibly result in a similar Beckham-Ferguson flying boot incident but Gaffer Peacock turned to a change of formation rather than an act of violence.

The Scolari tactics of moving into a 4-4-2 began to work in the second half and things started to play into Coogee Utd hands. At the back Luke was giving 100% and when Big Ba(l)d Bazza and Beau came on as substitutes.... there were no way through for the Bumbar Boys.

It was certainly a different team in the second half and Bumbar actually began to look a little fatigued. Hally was playing a dominating central role and releasing some great balls to add width and create several chances for Bonner and Finch. Coogee were starting to pass and spread the ball with much more confidence. You could hear a pin drop in the Bumbar Supporters and could see them biting their nails like an English fan watching a World Cup penalty shoot out as Bumbar were hanging on for dear life to the two goal advantage.

Even with the 80:20 possession on Coogee's side, the defensive tactics that would be expected from an Accrington Stanley team up against Arsenal in the FA Cup paid off from Bumbar, and they played out the rest of the second half and were lucky to get 3 points from a team that is certain to be contenders at the end of the season.

There certainly were a lot of positives to take out of the game throughout Coogee's team and Hally the Great was awarded man of match.

Team:
Mike Nixon
John Heung
Paul Gudgeon
Luke Di Michiel
Danny Pyke
Scott Donaldson
Nathan Hall
Damian Tunney
Fraser Watson
Brenda Bonner
Ian Finch

Subs:
Barry Devlin
Dan Ashley
Beau Paine

- Report by Finchy

Reserve Grade: Coogee United 0 v Dunbar Rovers 2
The start of the inaugural Eastern Suburbs premiership season had the reserve team in confident mood. Gone were the days of trying to muster 11 players from lower grades and over 35's, that so characterised the latter half of last years season when the ravages of injury and an overzealous English media had yet again convinced a nation of hopers that their team was destined to assume their rightful place as world champions and thus decimate the ranks of Coogee United.

Within 20 minutes of kick off Coogee were being outplayed all over the park, a short passing Dunbar game probing holes all over the Coogee midfield and defence. It was no surprise Coogee found themselves 1-0 down after an incisive move down the left flank culminated in a well taken goal for Dunbar.

Coogee managed to stem the torrent of Dunbar attacks and went in at half time 1 goal behind with hope that a wind assisted second half could improve their lot.

Hopes were dashed within in short time after the restart when the referee awarded a penalty for contact in the penalty area. Dunbar made no mistake from the spot kick to put themselves 2-0 ahead. Coogee battled hard in the second half and created a couple of chances but were unable to contain Dunbar's attacking forays and the game finished 2-0 to Dunbar.

Back to the drawing board for the Coogee Reserves.

Sat 17th March 2007
Pre Season Friendly
Coogee Utd V UNSW

The opposition was another formidable university team from UNSW. As with Sydney Uni, we were expecting a young and fit team. They didn't disappoint with most looking like they had just come out of primary school.

Due to the atrocious weather conditions the game started with a less than impressive display of control and composure on the ball as it was sliding all over the place. After some adjustment to the conditions both teams were beginning to put some decent plays together with Coogee attacking from the left and right sides of the field.

UNSW didn't really have many chances in the first half and Coogee were dictating play from the get go with the first goal coming from a nice left footed cross from Nathan Hall which landed on the head of Danny Pike.

This goal sparked something in UNSW as they came back strong forcing Mikey to make a couple of superman like saves to keep us in front. Another blow to UNSW came when a great solo effort from Bren extended our lead to 2 by slotting in an impossible angled shot from near off the field.

The weather was still proving to be a difficulty as mistakes were coming thick and fast at the back and as a result UNSW made it 2-1 just before half time.

The second half again for Coogee proved to be all in one direction with our keeper having very little to do. Most of the half was at the oppositions end with continued attack involving long throws, corners and crosses from both ends.

The final goal came from a 30 yard strike that was hit with such force that it parted the opposition players like the red sea and was heading for the top left hand corner of the goals where the keeper tried to snatch it from the air but let it slip through his hands gifting the goal to the humble right back.

This ended the scoring with a final 3-1 result. A good moral boosting win to the boys.

Sat 10th March 2007
Pre Season Friendly
Coogee Utd V Sydney University

Again Coogee looked the better team for most of the game and only let themselves down with momentary lapses in their defence.

The first half was full of attacking moves from both teams with neither team being able to put the ball in the back of the net until midway in the first half where our fill in keeper Dave was put under pressure with a less than desirable ball from beef cake Ryno which resulted in a miss kick and subsequently, a goal.

This took the wind out of the sails for a moment but Coogee re-gathered and were back on the attack with plays on both the right and left sides combining with all three strikers.

Half time finished up at 1-0 to Sydney Uni and Coach Jake Peacock had his half time talk with the players and advised what the next plan of attack should be.

Due to the rules of the pre season competition unlimited substitutions were allowed during the game and permitted the coach to trial different players in key positions. The substitutions made were just what the team needed with the momentum in the second half swinging in our favour.

Possession and attacking play was in all one direction, Sydney Uni were on their back foot for most of the second half with Coogee being camped in the their half with wave after wave of attack while still being unrewarded with a goal.

Through all the possession on the oppositions half Sydney Uni managed to break away down the right side and the striker managed to chip our keeper making it a 2-0 lead.

This truly did force the team to drop their heads and caused the already heated game to get even more heated with more cards being shown then a World poker tournament.

The game finished with a disappointing 2-0 loss.

The boys will have to try and look at the positives of the game and try to fine tune the weaknesses in our game.

Sat 3rd March 2007
Pre Season Friendly
Coogee Utd V Pagewood

The match up was Coogee United versus Pagewood. Pagewood were a top four finish in last years division 1 competition so they were not going to be an easy feat.

The first half was definitely the better half for Coogee with the back line looking a lot more solid and the formation keeping its shape and defending everything that came at them. There was however a lapse in concentration and Pagewood broke down the right side and crossed the ball in for an easy goal. But we pulled one back with a great free kick from Damian that snuck under the wall and past the keeper. The half finished up at 1-1 and Coogee was definitely looking the better team.

The second half started off similar to the first half with Coogee looking the goods with a few missed opportunities and one that hit the cross bar. The chances were then becoming more even with Pagewood have more shots and sneaking another goal in with a cross that landed on the head of a Pagewood striker and popped over the keepers head.

This was a turning point in the match where we started losing shape due to possible match fitness or the opposition moving the ball around quite decisively. They were having more and more shots on goal and converted another chance after penetrating Coogee's left side making it 3-1.

Coogee dug deep and was able to bring it back to 3-2 after a penalty kick by Brendan that was saved by the keeper but then slotted in by the cool headed Finch miester.

Sat 17th February 2007
Pre Season Friendly
ES Marks Athletics Field
Coogee Utd V Waverley Old School Boys

The first of Coogee United's Premier League practice matches were played last Saturday (17th February) versus Waverley Old School Boys at ES Marks Athletics field. Both Premier League and Premier League Reserve's fort it out in the 30+ temperature on a beautiful Sydney summer afternoon, more suited to being at the beach.

PL Reserve kicked off first and inside ten minutes opened the scoring through a magnificent cross from Stu which landed on Francis's head, to end up past the Waverley goal keeper into the back of the net.

Coogee than lost concentration and let Waverley equalise just before half time, taking the score to 1:1 at the half time break. The second half started off with two quick goals from Finch who narrowly missed his hatrick later in the game. A further two late goals from Coogee sealed the game with the final score being 5:1.

Premier League kicked off straight after and Coogee's depleted backline (due to injuries and players away) was undone twice in the first ten minutes, giving Waverley a nice two goal advantage from early in the game. Coogee settled in and started to put together some good play, taking control of the game late in the first half going into half time 2:0 down.

Coogee continued this momentum in the second half and scored a goal after 20 mins followed by an equaliser another ten minutes later. Coogee's six weeks of intense training was starting to show as they consistently flooded the Waverley goal box in the last 15 mins of the game, searching for that winning goal. Fortunately for Waverley, their goal keeper had an exceptional game and denied Coogee that winning goal.

Considering it was the first match either grade had played and over half the boys had not played together it was a stellar performance. Well done boys...